Well, here it is -- a new year. I can't say I'm going to miss the old one. Having Helen has been a highlight, of course, but I'm hoping for bigger and better things in 2010. And the further away in time I get from her early birth and NICU stay, the better. Because this month I keep reliving it and I'm sure it'll get worse the closer January 19 gets. I have such strong emotional reactions to little triggers. I thought I was okay at the time, but apparently not. I sometimes think I have PTSD. I mean, it all turned out as well as I could have possibly hoped given the scary circumstances so I feel kind of dumb feeling like this, but I sure wish it had been different. But I know that's life.

I also hope to slowly step away from the financial edge. Get healthier, more active. A bit more organized. Definitely more proactive in taking care of business. I just feel hopeful. I'm getting that sense from many people in my life. We all seem to be extra determined to make 2010 a good year.

And after a year of being in a semi-quarantine status with Helen, I'm really looking forward to getting out more, traveling more. Helen is ready to ride! She's also getting quite feisty -- more verbal about preferences and dislikes. I see our toddlerhood future, that's for sure.

She'll be one on January 19. She's not walking yet, but she is working hard on it. She is always pulling up on things, she'll stand on her own for a few seconds, she's always pushing and striving to learn new skills and strengthen them. It's so much fun to watch. She's a determined little thing.

She hasn't learned any new words lately. She's still mainly saying mama, dada, baba, hi, that kind of thing. But she's always chattering in baby language and putting new sounds together, so hopefully soon.

Right now Helen's favorite activity is being pushed on the little riding train my parents gave her. She'll sit next to it and holler until one of us puts her on it and pushes her around the house, through the dining room, living room, kitchen, and back into the dining room. Over and over and over again. And when you stop, she'll fuss. Yesterday she was so funny -- she was leaned back, one hand on the steering wheel, one hand by her side, with her feet lifted up, just enjoying the ride.

One of my New Year's Resolutions is to come back to Live Journal in 2010.  I had thought there would be time enough for both LJ and Facebook, but as it turned out, FB used up all my social networking time.  I think part of that was because it was a year of SO MANY reconnections, and there aren't too many people from my past or present left that I expect to come across, so I hope to better manage that time and split my efforts between the two sites.

2009 had a lot of lows, and I'm not going to miss it.  There were some really good times, too, and I will try to only think of them when I reflect back, but mostly, I'm just going to try to look forward.

Another goal of mine is to take at least one picture per day, even if it's just from my camera phone.  That sounds easier than losing weight, so I think it stands a real chance at sticking.

Charles is playing soccer on XBox.  Dog is snoring after a stressful bout of fireworks that had her racing around in highly distressed circles.  Cats are all asleep.  I'm about to go to bed.  We are rock stars.

I have one specific request for 2010 so far, and that is for Dick Clark to please retire and let Ryan Seacrest do the next countdown.   That probably sounds more mean than it feels in my head, but man...the last 30 seconds of the year felt really uncomfortable.   I'm glad he is feeling well enough to do the pre-recorded job, but it just seems like the time has come to pass that torch.

I love you people, you know that?  Wishing you all only the very best things in the coming New Year!!

I love doing this every year and seeing how my answers change. Obviously, this year is a Helen-centric one.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Became a parent.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Ha, my only one last year was to survive motherhood. I'm still here, so yes, I kept it! Next year I just want to get healthier.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes, me!  Plus lots of friends.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What places did you visit? Just the one, Virginia, last January. I think we all know how that trip went!

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Better eating and exercise habits.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 18, at 1 a.m. when my water broke. January 19, when my daughter was born. March 2, when I walked out of the hospital with Helen. She was six weeks old and had never been outside. It was snowing. March 7, when I finally walked into our house after a ten-hour trip with a seven-week-old. I hadn't been home since January 17th.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Just being a mom, I think. Getting this baby out of the NICU and keeping her healthy. 

9. What was your biggest failure? Gaining back all the weight I lost after childbirth. Stress is not good, but it sure was good for my waistline!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No.

11. What was the best thing you bought? A used kitchen table, of all things. I just felt like a kitchen table is so central to a house, and it felt so good to finally get one. It isn't very stylish and wouldn't be my first choice, but it's a nice, sturdy table and has spent lots of years with another family. I love it. In second place is the Flip HD video camera.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Richard's. He's turned out to be a fantastic father. Helen -- my brave, strong, stubborn, happy little trouper. My aunt, her husband, my sister- and brother-in-law, so many friends and cousins who made it as easy as it could be to be stranded in Virginia with my preemie baby.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My bio-dad's wife. Bah.

14. Where did most of your money go? Mortgage. Debt. Formula and diapers.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Bringing Helen home.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? Darius Rucker's "It won't be like this for long." I heard it just about every day when I was driving back and forth to the NICU in that old borrowed pickup truck

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? So much happier.
b) thinner or fatter? Sadly, fatter! I weight about the same right now as I did six months' pregnant. And more depressingly, I had lost 16 out of 20 pounds of pregnancy weight within one month of giving birth. I just gained it BACK. So dumb.
c) richer or poorer? Probably poorer since I work part-time right now and we're still paying on NICU bills, but it still wasn't as bad as it's been in the past. We don't have much extra money, but the mortgage and bills get paid and we have food in the house. That's all I can ask for.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Exercising.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Worrying.

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2009? At our house with family and friends. It was Helen's first and was a wonderful one. Everyone even behaved!

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? I fell in love with my daughter and stayed in love with my husband.

22. What was your favorite TV program? "Modern Family." I also have a soft spot for "American Idol" because my aunt and I would watch it together every week when I came back to her house from the NICU. I have nice memories of hanging out with her those six weeks.

23. What did you do for your birthday in 2009? Ha, I don't even remember. Helen was three months old and it's all a blur.

24. What was the best book you read? I've read so much this year, plus did a lot of re-reads. Nothing really stands out.

25. What did you want and get? A healthy, happy baby.

26. What did you want and not get? Not a thing of any importance.

27. What was your favorite film of this year? "Star Trek."

28. Did you make some new friends this year? Yes.

29.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Keeping that damn weight off.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Whatever fits and doesn't hurt!

31. What kept you sane? Richard, as usual.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Nobody, really.

33. What political issue stirred you the most? Healthcare.

34. Who did you miss? I especially miss my Great-Aunt Joan who would've taken great delight in knowing about Helen.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. That I am much stronger than I ever thought I could be.